Last time, I said that my mother only does as well as I can care for her. It’s a kindness, then, for me as a caregiver—and you, if it applies—to care for myself by saying “no” judiciously.
After too long of saying yes too much when caring for my father when he was alive, I said “no” to his music at certain times of the day and made a miracle that I hadn’t expected.
I expected that African tunes would pep me up more than my father’s preferred classical guitar. But I hadn’t expected that making the switch would dissolve a big issue for me.
Dealing with a revolving door of care aides was one of the most draining parts of taking care of my dad. Not only did it mean that I was training folks over and over, I had to deal with “people bringing all their personalities into the house” as one aide put it herself.
But this isn’t talking down about them:
Care aides are poorly paid for thankless work and often mistreated—if not straight up abused, even sexually—by their clients and / or clients’ family members.
On their first visits, it wasn’t unusual for aides to enter our apartment while leaning backward, as if to distance themselves from danger they might encounter. But I noticed something miraculous: that stopped happening after I started playing African music in the mornings.
The aides who helped me with my dad were almost all Africans—Nigerians, Sierra Leoneans, Ghanaians and Ethiopians. When I noticed that newcomers didn’t seem as tense entering the house, I surmised that the music was as comforting to them as me.
As an Ann Arborite raised in Nairobi, I was playing African music to begin with because it took me to happier times. Then, wow, it occurred to me that the music was saying, “I see you, I respect you, I welcome you,” louder than anything that could have come from my mouth.
Once I made that connection, I made a policy:
Care aides were in charge of picking the music while we worked, so long as it was G-rated.
This is how I learned about Emmerson and Amakye Dede and unlocked many miracles:
Spontaneous caregiver dance parties that made everything easier for us and my dad alike. Take a listen to Sweet Mother for a taste of a song that really got us grooving 🙂 .
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